Am I not trying hard enough? What if the reason I’m not responding to any medications is that I don’t want to get better?
Am I too comfortable being crazy? Oh god, no. That can’t be it. I want to work, I want to go to school, I want to be a better mom, a better housekeeper. I want to be better. I want to be more interesting. I want a life other than living on a roller coaster. But what if I don’t want to?
What if I don’t want to eat right? What if I just want to be thinner? Mom ate like a bird. She was thin. I saw a picture of her 6 months pregnant. She was modeling a skirt she designed. She didn’t look like she was pregnant. Everybody says I look good, but they only see me with clothes on. But the one that sees me without? He says I’m beautiful. Why can’t I see that? But what if I don’t want to accept that I’m beautiful?
Therapist says I’m at the middle of a healthy BMI for my height. I need to learn to accept that. But what if I don’t to?
I understand I don’t have a choice in having bipolar disorder. But what if I don’t want to understand?
I understand that I can’t give up. But what if I want to?