What If I Don’t Want To?

Am I not trying hard enough? What if the reason I’m not responding to any medications is that I don’t want to get better?

Am I too comfortable being crazy? Oh god, no. That can’t be it. I want to work, I want to go to school, I want to be a better mom, a better housekeeper. I want to be better. I want to be more interesting. I want a life other than living on a roller coaster. But what if I don’t want to?

What if I don’t want to eat right? What if I just want to be thinner? Mom ate like a bird. She was thin. I saw a picture of her 6 months pregnant. She was modeling a skirt she designed. She didn’t look like she was pregnant. Everybody says I look good, but they only see me with clothes on. But the one that sees me without? He says I’m beautiful. Why can’t I see that? But what if I don’t want to accept that I’m beautiful?

Therapist says I’m at the middle of a healthy BMI for my height. I need to learn to accept that. But what if I don’t to?

I understand I don’t have a choice in having bipolar disorder. But what if I don’t want to understand?

I understand that I can’t give up. But what if I want to?

6 thoughts on “What If I Don’t Want To?

  1. I know what you mean…It would be nice to just wake up and not HAVE to do anything but just be. I have been doing the med thing for a few months now, and it gets exhausting.

    I hope you feel better soon.

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  2. AH! The experimental cocktail of meds… and how much patience it takes to endure all the weirdness and madness until hopefully you can find a good mix. We did, and then yet right now my spouse is having a lot of break-thru anxiety as well. It is never easy! I wish you well!

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  3. That's exactly what I would say, except my frustration comes from the fact that it seems lately I've been switching something every month. I've been doing the cocktail dance for at least 20 years now, and sometimes it works for quite a while, and sometimes not at all. Thanks for your input!

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