A while back I wrote a post titled “I try to be a thriver.” What a crock of shit. I mean the concept is excellent-be a thriver not just a survivor, but it doesn’t work too well when surviving is being grateful I made it through another day with bipolar disorder.
I have recently survived a few months long bout of severe depression, but I sure as hell don’t feel like I can even get close to thriving. During that period of time, everything went to hell in a handbasket. My house is no longer particularly clean (although I was able to keep the kitchen relatively spotless), I gained back half the weight I lost by not doing my WiiAerobics, and I lost my desire to write or draw.
Now that I’m more stable, I can’t seem to get motivated to fix any of these problems. I am told to just start exercising 5 minutes at a time…5 minutes seem like 5 hours to me. I am told to just clean one room of the house at a time. But that one room seems like a 10 room home. I berate myself, telling myself I’m just lazy. But is that really true? I don’t know how to tell if it’s just a residual from the severe depression or if I really am a useless piece of crap.
For now I suppose it will be enough to survive another day, and I’ll start the next one with being happy I could at least get out of bed. Hopefully the rest will eventually follow.