1 : destruction of an employer’s property (as tools or materials) or the hindering of manufacturing by discontented workers
2 : destructive or obstructive action carried on by a civilian or enemy agent to hinder a nation’s war effort
3 a : an act or process tending to hamper or hurt b : deliberate subversion
Definition number 3. That’s my specialty.
It has taken me over a year to stop sabotaging the best relationship I’ve ever had. I think I’m not worthy of a healthy, loving relationship so I throw everything I’ve got at it to test the limits, hoping I’ll be right. But this time I wasn’t.
So I got over that one, only to turn on my physical self. Two months ago my physician said I’ve got a few extra pounds, my cholesterol was too high as was my blood pressure. If I could just try to lose a little bit of weight by eating right and exercising, I may not have to add even more medication to the ones I’m already taking. Next week is the end of that two months, and I haven’t accomplished the simple goal.
The thing is, I had lost that weight before I went into my slide of deep depression. I had been exercising every day and eating right. I had lost seventeen pounds. I’ve only gained back about half that, but it’s still too much. So every night I tell myself tomorrow will be the day I get back to exercising, and every morning I tell myself just start with 5 minutes. But it seems like I simply can’t do it. So I cry and think I’m absolutely worthless. But I like my exercise routine. I do step-aerobics on my WiiFit and listen to audiobooks at the same time, so why is it so hard?
I’ve been using money as an excuse not to eat right. I eat a lot of ramen and baked potatoes because they’re cheap, as well as all those very inexpensive frozen foods that are high in everything I shouldn’t be eating. But what about frozen vegetables like broccoli and spinach (which I like) and frozen blueberries (which I love), not to mention the chicken breasts sitting in my freezer waiting to be baked; these foods are not expensive. I like eating healthy, I enjoy vegetables, salads and chicken. I used to like cooking. But no, I just go on eating starchy comfort foods. I eat healthy when I’m at Greg’s house on the weekend because he cooks. But during the week I just sabotage everything I did on the weekend.
My other weight gain excuse could be because of my meds, but then how does that explain the fact that I was able to lose it before?
I’ve been told “you can do anything you put your mind to.” But when has that been valid in my mentally screwed up life? I’ve been told to start slow and then I’ll get back in the habit, and then there’s the “just do it” that keeps slapping me in the face. I know all these things, but I think that I want to show the doctor what a fuck-up I am. If I can validate my image of myself then I win. I prove that I’m worthless.
I struggle against the sabotage of my self-worth, but it just keeps winning. I have to find, somewhere deep within me, the strength to keep fighting, to scratch and kick my way out of this horrible hole I seem to be stuck in.
As much as I hate the thought, perhaps it’s time for yet again another psych med change. I can’t lose hope.