Today was remarkable yet very difficult. I don’t think I was manic, just determined [edited – I think I was manic since I couldn’t sleep]. There were several things that needed to be accomplished today, and I can usually only do one thing. I listened to a couple podcasts and an audiobook to give me something else to think about. If I would feel that damn wall veering up in front of me, I’d just say to myself “just this one more thing, then you can be done.” I didn’t accomplish everything on my to-do list, but I did accomplish more than normal.
I had a follow-up appt about my weight and blood pressure, and both were down (I didn’t expect that). While I was there I had fasting blood-work done to check my cholesterol and everything else. Their new office was in a different location and I needed to go there to pre-register and make an appointment about my shoulder. My brain said “that’s enough, go back another day,” but I did it. Then I had a prescription to pick up which was next door to the new doctor’s office, but again that evil “do it another day” came back, but I defied that impulse. In the same shopping center was my gas station. I needed gas to go to BFE this weekend, but there it was again, “you’ve done enough get gas tomorrow on the way,” but I did it anyway.
Then I got home. Since I had been fasting, I needed to eat breakfast so I could take my meds. I was sure that was it for the day. I was off my regular morning schedule, and that usually throws off my whole day. But I plugged my brain into my iPod and kept pushing forward, fighting with my impulse to give up.
I made chili and then I cleaned the kitchen. I wanted so bad to stop, my brain was begging me to give up but I had to do my laundry. I always do my laundry on Thursday because I go to BFE on Friday for the weekend. Unfortunately I was winding down, but before I hit bottom I told myself to at least just get the laundry ready to go, then I can wait until after lunch to get it started.
I had some lunch, read a book for a bit, goofed off on the computer and took a nap. And then I did it. By the end of the day my laundry was finished, folded and put away. Phew.
I know I’ll be fine through the weekend because I’ll be with my beloved, but what will happen on Monday? Will I smack into the wall or will I keep going? Have I finally broken the membrane of depression? Today it was an actual physical struggle to keep going. If I can’t sustain this next week, I’m so afraid that others will think that I’m just not trying hard enough. If I could do what I did today, why can’t I be like that every day?
I don’t know how to battle that feeling of it’s all my fault when I start going downhill again. I can hear everybody throughout the years saying “you’re not trying hard enough;” “you’re not good enough;” “if you can do it once, why can’t you do it again?” and finally “it’s all in your head.”
Well it is in my head and my head is inhabited by bipolar disorder. I am trying hard enough, I am good enough, and I will probably be able to do it again just not consistently every day or not even a full day. My days are so unpredictable, I always wake up wondering “what part of the roller coaster will I be on today?” Then I make sure my seat belt is strapped on and I hold on tight for the ride.