I want my brain back. Yes, I know, it’s a defective brain but ever since I’ve had ECT, it’s been worse than usual. According to my therapist and my psychiatrist, I’m better than I was before (my depression was not responding to medication and I was feeling suicidal). But afterwards I still felt depressed and the frustration of memory loss just added to it. It’s not just short-term memory like I was told to expect. I was told that the only memory loss would be of the time immediately around the treatments. I couldn’t remember how old my grandsons are, was confused the first time I went to the grocery store, couldn’t remember how to get to Greg’s (my boyfriend) house, didn’t remember my daughter drove to Georgia in September, and so much more.
When I first got home from the hospital, I looked in my closet and was surprised by all the clothes I had. I had no idea what to wear and ended up wearing the the same few sweaters over and over again. I couldn’t remember when I had been in the hospital or how many treatments I’d had. Rachel (my 20-year-old daughter) told me that it was mid-January, and I had 6 treatments-3 in the hospital and 3 outpatient. Taking me to the outpatient treatments was very stressful for her. I’ve read that some people have had about 12 or more. I can’t imagine going through it that many times, but I suppose it’s a life saver for many people. I don’t remember anything about the treatments except that I just wanted to sleep the rest of the day.
When I first got home, I had absolutely no interest in doing anything that I used to enjoy doing, nor did I want to talk to any of my friends. I just wanted to isolate. A little bit of my memory is coming back, but really nothing significant. I’ve also been responding to a great anti-depressant, Nardil, and my depression has finally abated.
When I’ve read over my past blog posts about the severity of my depression, I have to wonder…do I really want my old brain back? Maybe I just need to learn to accept the loss of memories and start building new ones; and be grateful that I’m not as bad as I was before.