Having had bipolar disorder for the majority of my life, I don’t really know what constitutes a “normal” emotion. I know what my manic behavior is like and I know what my depressive behavior is like. So when I feel excited or very happy I always question…”Is it the beginning of a manic episode?” Same with sadness, although that one’s a little bit easier. I can usually tell the difference between sad and depressed.
Last night I received a second custom order. That would make three sales this week, plus two at the Expo. I suppose that may not seem like a lot to some, but to me it’s huge. I was feeling very elated, and immediately thought “Uh oh, mania here I come.” But I didn’t hurry and start on the new piece (I had to hunt down the charms today), nor did I rush around the house finding other things to do. I took my melatonin blend, read in bed (it was late), and slept like a log. So no manic sleeplessness.
Still, this morning I felt disconnected and like my mind was starting to race. So many ideas were popping into my head about different necklaces I wanted to make. Was it just a rush of creativity? Was I elated or manic?
To those of you with bipolar disorder who read my blog, I’d love to hear your input on how you deal with this sort of thing. Will I ever stop doubting my hard-fought-for stability?