Don’t take it away

Bipolar disorder is a sadistic son-of-a-bitch. You’re walking down the street, whistling a happy tune, and bam! he jumps at you from behind a tree and smacks you in the back with a baseball bat, knocking the breath out of you, slamming you down to the ground. “You think life is good? Well here’s a gut punch to remind you of reality. You think things are going well? How about a kick in the ribs to let you know who’s boss. You have something you cherish? Give it to me, you can’t have it anymore. You are not allowed to feel joy, elation, or bliss unless I say so. This is not mania, this is real happiness. That’s not ok in this brain.

It’s too much good. I just wrote that sentence in an email to my daughter. Yes, you read that right, too much good. My brain is not trained to handle this amount of joy, so it simply reverts to old routine. It doesn’t matter that my name is really printed in a book, it doesn’t exist. It doesn’t matter that I have a few extra dollars in my bank account, the sales didn’t really happen. I’m worthless, stupid, untalented, graceless….STOP!

And…there’s a kick in the balls for you, Mr. Bipolar Disorder. How about if I remind you who’s in charge here. I am, and I want my happiness back. You can’t have it, I won’t let you take it away. I’ve come too far and learned too much. I win this round.

9 thoughts on “Don’t take it away

  1. Sid, I used to think that way too, especially when things like this happen. But I'm trying to change my attitude. I know it's inevitable that “what goes up must come down,” and I try to just enjoy the good while I have it. Fighting the bad is a new thing for me, and it was really empowering. Not easy, but felt good.

    CC, I'm so glad I was able to make you smile.

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  2. That's a great description of just how brutal bipolar can be. It loves to just blindside you when you least expect it. I often wonder if it's even worth trying to be happy when I know what's lurking for me in the shadows.

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  3. I agree, how about a little tumbawumba and “I get knocked out”!! Look for it on youtube!! I have the pleasure of drop kicking my bipolar bear now and again, and I do win sometimes, just like you!!! Keep on keepin' on my fellow bipolar survivor!!! (facebook page administater of Bipolar Behavioral Management) Look us up!!

    Like

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