Raw

If you’re looking for my usual uplifting-happy-ending-to-a-struggle kind of post, don’t bother reading this one. In keeping with my blog philosophy, I need to be honest. I fucking hate bipolar disorder. Somewhere along the line I became derailed. The train crashed and the workers are taking their sweet time getting it back on the tracks.

Today I hit bottom. I’m done trying, what’s the point? It doesn’t stick. The episodes always come back, even with no apparent triggers. I’m tired of fighting. I’m tired of making an effort. I’m tired of trying to see a positive side to life. It’s elusive, and right now I don’t feel like playing this game of hide and seek any more.

17 thoughts on “Raw

  1. I just want to say I hear you about how an epsiode can come from anywhere. I have been trudging myself lately. Part of my logical self knows it is just time that makes it pass even if it doesn't make me feel better.

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  2. I know that feeling a lot and very often but I keep going because I have to. Some days it sucks and I feel like I'm going nowhere and that I'm never going to get anywhere ever and that my existence is just pointless, and yeah I tried to OD once, but it will pass. It always does. And when it does I just go on with life because I have to. There's no fairy godmother who's going to come by and wave a wand and say “everything will be fixed” and really there's no one who can say “Everything will be okay” and have you actually believe it. Because no matter what anyone says, no matter how many kind words, no matter the true sincerity of it all, deep inside your brain it's meaningless because there's that one little evil goblin that takes those kind words and eats them so you never have enough time to process them or to keep them safe for later use. All you can do is find that strength within yourself. Whether it's because you're too lazy to end your life or you do find that spark that reminds you why you keep going, you have to find that strength within yourself.

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  3. I just want to let you know that you are not alone. I too suffer from the debilitating crashing waves of bipolar disorder among other labels. I have just recently been having the symptoms of lupus that are making my bipolar symptoms worse. I feel your pain hon and please don't give up. I am praying for you. Please take peace in knowing that you are not alone and this too will make you stronger, even if you don't feel like it right now. You are worth it not to give up and I am rooting for you! We need to stick together. I am adding you to my blogroll because our blogs are way too similar not to. You can do this and I am here if you ever want to talk.
    Wishing you abundant blessings,
    Kimmy
    http://www.withoutalabel.me
    kimberly_mcpherson@hotmail.com

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  4. Thank you Lore. I hope you find the combo that helps. I don't know if you read any of my other posts, but I had treatment-resistant depression for at least a year, and the only medication that helped was Nardil (phenylzine). It's an MAOI, and I learned that sometimes there are people that just don't respond to SSRIs. Maybe you could ask your psych about that. I'll be ok, probably after tomorrow. It's just been a horrible few weeks. I appreciate your kind words. Take one moment at a time, you'll get through it too.

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  5. I hate it. I'm seeing my psychiatrist every 3-6 weeks trying to find a med combo that will work. I was going along my merry little way and just got t-boned with a bipolar episode from hell. Depression so disgustingly low I couldn't even shower or brush my teeth. The crying and crying and crying. Mind spinning with dark thoughts. No hope of change. Everyone says it will change but when you're up to your eyes in it you can't even conceive that it will change. And sometimes the next day is worse than the one before and sometimes there is just enough room to breath. Friends? How can you possibly share all of this with your friends and expect them to understand. God knows what the hell they see when they hear and look at me. The light at the end of the tunnel has almost been the train an number of times. I'm sorry this is so dark but I read the initial post and if you're anywhere where I am then I cry for you. I know the pain, the deep all encompassing pain you suffer and I'm sorry. You are loved but….somedays it just doesn't matter. A hug for you my kindred spirit. I can only wake up every day and experience it. May today bless you with a pleasant experience.
    Lore

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  6. I'm so sorry for what you're going thru right now. I know at times it can feel like “2 steps fwd 1 step back”, just don't give up; This truly shall pass. Hang in there!

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  7. Oh, what can a person possibly say. Just, I am sick of it, too. The constant up and down. The never knowing when another really low time will hit. In spite of this, I urge you to hang on in whatever way possible. What else can we give each other except some hope – as we live, options remain.
    Adventures in Anxiety Land

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  8. Bren, any words of encouragement do help. Just the fact that I know you're out there, reading and commenting means a lot to me.

    I like what you say about the moods budging.

    I promise I'll post Friday afternoon.

    Thank you.

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  9. Yeah, this shit sucks. Still not sure what the hell I am, but it sucks. I want to rant at the world some days at how just STUPID IT IS.

    The good thing is, it'll change. It doesn't last forever, whatever mood it is. That's like the only thing to hold on to some days, right?

    Looking forward to seeing how the “tune up” goes. I feel like any words I say of encouragement aren't going to be enough, but I appreciate your honesty, and even if it doesn't “stick”, I do believe it changes… it budges, even just a little as time goes on.

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  10. Thank you so much, Annie. I really do appreciate what you said. You're right, sometimes it's not the thing people want to hear, but then often it's exactly what needs to be said. I have an appointment for my weekly Healing Touch “tune up” on Friday. I'll be ok.

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  11. I'm really sorry Sheri! I truly know exactly what you are feeling right now…and I do mean RIGHT NOW. I've been there so many times. And this is exactly how I was feeling today (can't say I'm completely over it at this moment but def a bit better). I don't have the magic words or the miracle cure…but, hang in there. You know as well as I do that it does get better, even if just for a while. It always gets better. And hopefully in the not so far off future they will come up with that magic pill! Today a very wise woman told me “it could be so much worse, you have so many people who love and care about you and it will get better” huge, huge (hug) sweetie!! *(okay, i know the whole “it could be so much worse” is not always the best thing to say and sometimes I really hate hearing it, but today I needed it whether I wanted to hear it or not)

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