Hovering

How long does it take to completely come out of a depressive episode?

My most recent depression-knocked-me-on-my-ass episode seems like it’s just hovering, waiting to land again. I can’t seem to completely get back on track. Mortgage and HOA were paid before late fees, but the rest of the bills? Still waiting. There’s a lovely necklace sitting on my workspace (how many weeks has it been there?). There are crumpled to-do lists on my desk, and my computer to-do list keeps flashing the number of overdue tasks. Important papers that need “immediate” attention are getting buried under shipping lists from supplies that need to be recorded. Grocery shopping is getting done, meals are made, bread is baked, I’m exercising (and still losing weight), but something is just off. I know what it is, I know what I need to do…it’s just doing it.

This disconnect in my brain that doesn’t allow me to “Just do it” is so frustrating. I know I’m nowhere near where I was before ECT, but still it’s frightening to think that mental illness has such a grip on my actions, my feelings. I can control it to a certain extent, but completely eradicating the depression is impossible. I don’t think I’ve ever truly accepted that remission doesn’t last forever. It’s time to accept that sometimes I have to retrace my steps. I may not have to go back to the beginning, but I have to let go of the concept of picking up where I left off.

I’ve come so far with self-care over the past year. It’s important for me to remember that I can get there again, it’s just going to take time.

6 thoughts on “Hovering

  1. Thank you Jane. I was told to compare it to healing after the flu or some other illness. It takes a while to be 100% again.

    Your inspiration is that you read and comment on my blog. Knowing that I touch someone somehow really helps to validate what I do.

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  2. I agree with Jaclyn. Sometimes it's 2 steps fwd, 1 step back (that doesn't mean you're going “backwards” tho). I can relate with your frustration & from my own experience, really can't be of inspiration. But what I take from what Jaclyn wrote is to kind of accept where you are, go with it (not into further depression) but be at peace, that that's where you are right now & keep putting 1 foot in front of the other – exactly what you're doing.
    You're beating yourself up, I'm amazed that you still do all the things you mentioned. It's okay, you're okay… we make it thru these times.

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  3. You can and will get there again. Take care of you, be gentle with yourself. Don't feel bad that you are unable to do certain things right now. The fog will lift. You are strong and things will be bright again. I'm here if you need anything. ♥

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