What happens when important tenets in one’s life turn out to be false? In my case, it snowballs into questioning every aspect of my life and ends up with me being (fill in the blank with your favorite negative self-deprecating word). All the work I’ve done towards believing in myself has turned to dust. Is it the result of PTSD from years of training to become a subservient non-human? Is it because I have bipolar disorder? Or am I simply stupid?

This has happened to me so many times. I get excited about some new idea, which triggers mania, which then blots out all reasoning abilities. I thought I was past that, that I could avoid it. I thought I was better, apparently I was wrong. It’s so important for us Beepers to be able to recognize mania, but it’s not easy. We don’t want to believe that what we’re feeling is unrealistic. It feels good to be infallible.

I do not believe in publicly trashing companies or people, in most cases, so I’m not going to go into details. Suffice it to say that important aspects of my wellness have come under fire. I’ve been made aware of information that has sent me back to my close-minded, logic-only way of thinking and pulled the trust-rug out from under me. I hate that after all the years of building walls, I finally knock them down only to feel I should have reinforced them instead.

To put it simply, I am confused. Yes, I know what you’re going to say, but this is a more-than-normal confusion. My brain is close to exploding, I’m hanging on the best I can, trying to figure it all out. I need to reformat my brain, get rid of the all-or-nothing thinking.

No worries, though. I’ll be ok…

2 thoughts on “Reformatting

  1. I definitely agree that it's important to recognize mania, hopefully in time to stop it from getting out of control. Do you have a friend, family member or therapist you trust enough to bounce ideas off of in order to get feedback as to whether they are realistic? Someone whose judgment you trust? While that won't help resolve what happened this time, maybe it will help prevent future similar events.

    Keep hanging on as you make your way through this confusion. Please take care of you!


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