Depression is the thief that steals my confidence and self-esteem. It sneaks in to the vault where I’ve been keeping and nurturing my feelings of self-worth and runs off with them into the night. I’m terrified that I won’t make it through the remaining five weeks until I’m at a therapeutic dose of the new antidepressant. I’ve barely made it through the first week, surviving the awful physical withdrawals from Nardil, now I just have to survive the ever-increasing depression.
When I was at my worst during the beginning of my relationship, Greg and I lived about one hour apart. I’d hold it together on the weekends when I was with him, then crash during the week. He knew it existed, but didn’t witness the lethargy, the inability to control my tears, the slovenliness of not getting out of my pajamas. I’m not that bad this time around, there are things that need to get done, especially when his mom is staying with us on the weekends. I’m functioning when it’s absolutely necessary, but I have my moments. During one crying jag over a financial problem, I told him about some money problems I’ve had over the past 12 years that I didn’t want him to know about. Now I’m afraid he’ll stop loving me. Ridiculous right? The little remaining logical area of my brain is yelling like the Whos of Whoville, trying to be heard and reassure me that it’s not going to happen. Greg is very kind and understanding. His best friend had bipolar disorder, he knows what depression is like, he loves me unconditionally.
But that type of love is so foreign to me, and the clever thief is replacing what I know to be true with the old “I’m not worthy” bullshit. After doing so well for two years, I’m angry that this is happening. I’m angry with my insurance company for not being willing to recognize a generic medication as such, simply because it’s rarely used. I’m angry that the sense of well-being I worked so hard for is eroding at such a quick pace.
I’m angry with mental illness. It’s mean, it’s hurtful, it’s dishonest. I want this thief caught and put back behind bars.