All of the awful “I told you so” statements are competing for a place in my brain with the five-day migraine. Although the migraine wins out with the most effective argument. I should have known…, I should have remembered…, I shouldn’t have wasted my time…, ouch, this motherfucking headache is killing me!
Yesterday was the first day in a couple years that I only got out of bed to fulfill a couple basic needs. It was also the last day of my “let’s try to save money by switching meds” experiment. I’ve taken Effexor before, why couldn’t I remember the fact that it increased my blood pressure, why couldn’t I remember that it made me nauseous? Why didn’t I remember the damn headaches and the extreme agitated mania? Why couldn’t I just leave well enough alone?
I just went through a month of depression hell, only to have to go through another month to get back on the only drug that’s really worked for me. Was the possible savings of $43/month worth it? I suppose when one has to count every penny, it was worth the try, but jeez, not really worth becoming non-functioning. When I spoke to the med nurse, he said “I’ll speak to the doctor about what else you could try.” I said “No way, I’m not getting back on the ‘let’s try this’ merry-go-round. I’ll just go back on the Nardil.”
As many of you with bipolar disorder know, it’s very difficult to find the right medication combination. We have such extremes, and what works at one end may not work at the other. Fortunately, my manic episodes are under control, so for me the difficult thing to find is a good anti-depressant that won’t trigger mania. Nardil was the one drug that finally broke through a treatment-resistant depression. But it’s an MAOI, and rarely used, so even though it’s generic my insurance company won’t recognize it as such (I’m certain I’ve said this before, sorry). I think I may be able to appeal that, now that I know it’s the only thing I can take, I’ll have to do a bit of research.
So here I go again, one week with no meds, one week on half dose, then finally back to where I was before. I can only hope I remember this lesson, and just cruise along without wanting to fix what’s not broken.