Some people have absolutely no idea what it feels like to have bipolar disorder. Some people can’t fathom what one is feeling, and I often think it’s because they don’t want to see one’s flaws, or the flaws of the others that they love/loved. They’ve seen euphoric mania, then suicide; they don’t want to understand why. They love so much, they don’t want to face the fact that the one they love has a disease that doesn’t make sense and will never go away.
Let me help you understand:
Have you ever been so sad you curl up in a ball and become frozen, unable to hear or move (catatonia)?
Have you ever been frightened to be around sharp objects (self-harm)?
Have you ever curled up in a ball in the shower, crying so hard you don’t even feel the water become ice cold (depression)?
Have you ever acted inappropriately, spending too much money, sleeping with people you don’t know, not sleeping, feel god-like, stay up all night cleaning, laughing, dancing, on top of the world? (euphoria)
Have you ever wanted to pull your skin off, get in a fight, hurt yourself just to watch the blood run out so you know you’re alive? (dysphoria)
Have you ever felt anxiety so badly you can’t be around loved ones for fear you might yell at them or hurt them for no reason?
Have you ever stayed around loved ones and hurt them with your words without even realizing it?
Have you ever felt you can’t stay alive, even though you every reason to? It just doesn’t matter, no one can change your mind, you just don’t care, you just know you don’t want to be alive any longer.
Have you ever looked at the beautiful world outside and seen only black and white?
Have you ever cried so hard your head feels like it’s going to explode and your eyes are going to fall out…for no reason?
Have you ever started your day crying, not knowing why; and ending it as high as a kite?
Have you ever wanted to self-medicate just to make your brain numb? Drink too much alcohol, use drugs, marijuana.
Have you ever wished you could just disappear?
Have you ever been so paranoid you thought every one thought you were stupid, not worth having for a friend, ugly, fat?
Welcome to my world, the world of bipolar disorder.