(see update below) You know the person…snarky, bitchy, unpleasant to be around…that’s me. I found myself saying “I’m just not a nice person” (then I wonder “Was I ever?”). In my post I am a chameleon, I talk about my ability to blend in to my surroundings, having never really learned who I am. Sometimes the blending becomes absorbing, and if I spend too much time with one type of person I tend to take on that persona.
From a very young age I was trained to be charming and witty, perfect wife material for a lawyer or some other high muckety-muck (my mom didn’t want me to marry a doctor like she did-life’s too unpredictable). At my step-daughter’s wedding reception a couple days ago, I proved I still had it in me. Nevermind the fact that I was actually able to cope with a very large number of adults and children whom I didn’t know (social anxiety be damned!), I was also able to interact with them all in a way that would have made my mother proud.
But then during my nightly rehash which prevents me from falling asleep every night, I thought about all the things I said/did wrong or stupidly. That’s when I realized that around certain friends and family members I’m not a very nice person, and I don’t like who I’ve become (or have I always been this way and am just now noticing it?). So it’s time to evolve once more. I’m starting DBT today, which entails learning mindfulness, and I’m hoping I’ll be able to learn to think before I speak. I’m hoping I’ll be able to become that other woman, the one people enjoy being around.
Update: Shortly after I posted this, I learned I am simply human. I accept who I am, with the caveat that I will try to be a better person. I understand there will be days that will be good, and days that will be bad, but I will never stop trying.