Medless Mutterings

angryAs my psych meds clear out of my system, I’m noticing an unsurprising phenomenon. What used to be physically uncomfortable agitated mania has become simply anger. The automatic suppression of anger by medication has been replaced by a need for self-censorship. I find myself stopping after speaking just a couple words, or erasing a potentially offensive online diatribe. My soapbox is getting heavy; and I’m tired of putting it down, only to whisk it away at the last minute before hurtful vitriol comes pouring out of my mouth.

That’s a good thing, right? I’m “feeling” again as well as self-regulating. But at what cost? Am I becoming that stereotypical crazy woman? “Just ignore her, she’s off her meds, poor thing.”

Where’s the line between sanity and insanity? Where’s that Goldilocks middle ground of “just right?” And if it does exist how does one find it – medically, holistically, spiritually? Who has the fucking formula for bliss?

I’m angry that I don’t have, nor will I ever have, the answer. I’m angry that I’m angry.

5 thoughts on “Medless Mutterings

    • Definitely! I understand those things are ok, I just don’t like them. I know you understand what I mean. It’s so damn uncomfortable to feel “real” feelings. I am, however, quite proud of myself for not self-medicating them away.

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  1. Is it unsurprising? I thought it was a bit of insight to be honest. My first thought was that we don’t really know how to deal with mania – but anger is just anger, we know how to sort that out.

    Here’s one formula for bliss, which I find helpful. Realise that everything that has happened to you so far was simply necessary to get you to where you are right now, and that it has no other purpose or meaning than that. Then realise that whilst it is necessary to think ahead and plan, you can take a break from that. If you don’t get through the next few minutes there’s no point in worrying about the future. In fact all that really matters is the next breath. So focussing on the here and now, and the next breath you notice that in yourself, without reference to anyone or anything else, everything’s OK. At least it will be if you allow it to be. That feels pretty blissful to me. Of course it’s only a few moments of bliss – but then life is a succession of moments, of next breaths.

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    • I love this comment! You are spot on. I suppose I was thinking I needed the end-all-be-all answer, but you make it clear that it’s not necessary to look at it that way. Thank you, once again, for being so insightful.

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