As always, self-doubt

unstoppablePlease note, I am not advocating that people go off their meds, and I do not plan to be off them for long. To reiterate – in my case, I’ve been on ineffective medications for so long that I felt that at this point they were either masking or worsening my symptoms. This is the only way my psychiatrist and I know how to figure that out. This is being done with the guidance and approval of my psychiatrist.

Tonight is my last dosage of psychiatric medication until mid-January. Confidence and fear stumble over each other, fighting for power. I’ve put a great deal of thought into my self-care planning; but I keep second-guessing myself – will it be enough? Deep down, I believe it will be. There is no choice other than the clear-cut one of the necessity for it to be so. I want my life to be better and refuse to allow this lifelong battle to have a bad ending, or to end this soon for that matter. I have set up my Healing Touch treatments, registered for yoga classes, discussed when-all-else-fails plans that are not medication related.

It has taken me years to learn to recognize a manic episode creeping up on me; although sometimes they’re just plain sneaky and are disguised as a burst of energy. On the other hand, depression seems to be more difficult for me to recognize in the beginning, especially during a mixed episode (note: according to this link, the term “mixed episode” is no longer commonly used in the psychiatric world…really?). Depression reminds me of waking up to a foggy morning, but the sun never comes out and the fog never goes away. It seems to slowly creep in, and envelope my brain. But I have figured out these signs, I’m ever watchful for them.

The physiological effects of the detox will probably go on for another five days after I take this last dose (at least that’s what my psych says). If I keep that in mind, when I feel physically crappy I can remind myself it’s temporary. Then a week after that’s over, I’ll be with my daughter and grandsons for a week. By the time I get home, my most triggering three months of the year will be just about over and it will be a little over two weeks before my next psych visit. Breaking it down into these smaller spans of time makes it all easier to cope with. Baby steps got me to this point…one month at a time, one week at a time, one day at a time, one hour at a time…one second at a time. Yes, I will get through this.

12 thoughts on “As always, self-doubt

  1. I wrote a long post a while ago. The plot doesn’t matter so much as the ending:

    “My heroes are all the Warrior Princesses I’ve had the privilege of knowing. I’m a better person for having met them. They pick up the sword and shield and fight. They battle physical and mental illness, chronic pain, and addiction. They cut through stigmas and stereotypes. They are caring, supportive, nonjudgmental warriors fighting for the common good.

    Warrior Princesses do exist. And not one of them looks like Lucy Lawless!”

    You are a warrior princess. wear your armour with pride. If I could do graphics, I’d have Warrior Princess badge to give you — a lot lighter than a shield and sword to carry around.

    All the best of luck.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Just a note to wish you good luck. The combination of winter gloom and Christmas frenzy is enough to make anyone think they are having a ‘mixed episode’. I tried to get into a card shop this morning to get a condolence card for a friend who had to have her beloved dog put to sleep last night. As soon as I crossed the threshold I had to get out. It was like feeding time for the trolls in there. Thankfully the stationers just along the road was far more peaceful.

    Another friend who was on some fairly light anti-anxiety meds was weaned off them recently. His experience was that tapering down and down was easy – but the final quitting was like going cold turkey, full-on withdrawal. So basically my message is: don’t panic if this final stage seems unexpectedly tough. Like you say, it’s temporary (actually everything is temporary) and you will get through it.

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