Detox Diary Addendum

canstock31973415About a week has passed since I took my last dosage of psych meds (Detox Diary), and I’ve just noticed an interesting phenomenon. My brain seems to be reverting to an old coping mechanism from my abuse days – shut down, feel nothing. I’ve only noticed it in retrospect, as in “That was an odd reaction to that situation.” Feelings of depression or anxiety will start to overwhelm me, then all of a sudden I’ll feel nothing. After that, I become very sleepy. Then today I participated in something that “normally” would have been the sort of thing during which I’d be crying “happy” tears (or at least sniffling), yet I felt nothing…again. This blunted affect is just as disturbing as uncontrolled mania or depression. It’s unexpected, and I don’t like that. I was prepared for the extremes, I had a plan; I was not prepared for my brain bizarrely taking over.

I’ve written that last paragraph over and over, and I cannot come up with a satisfying way of stating what I’m experiencing. That’s another thing…not being able to express myself in an articulate manner. My brain is flying all over the place, too much stimuli to cope with, too many racing thoughts, too many “feels.” There, that explains it…too much brain crap leads to brain shut down (how’s that for a concise psychological explanation?).

As a matter of fact, now that I analyze it, quite a bit of my past behavior from being abused is surfacing. While I’ve always had problems with self-doubt and negative thinking, it’s been particularly overwhelming. The quantity and quality of trash talking I’ve been doing to myself is horrific. If I heard someone speaking this way to another person, I’d probably yell at them to knock it off. Everything I do is wrong, everything I say is wrong, everything I think is wrong, everything I write is wrong. I was at the point of cancelling my trip next week because I was absolutely certain my daughter and grandchildren did not want to see me. I mean, really, why would they want to spend time with a blithering idiot? I’m sure my daughter has enough stress in her life without having to deal with me for six days. Not to mention my grandsons…Greg is the fun one, not me. Ugh, see what I mean? STFU, Sheri!

In spite of all this, there’s a tiny and weak little voice trying to be heard above the din of negativity “You can do this, I know you can.”


8 thoughts on “Detox Diary Addendum

  1. You can do this Sheri!
    I think, by thinking of it (lot’s of thinking here) as a detox you’re taking the right approach. In a detox all the bad things surface that you want to get rid of. And the good thing is that you recognise them! Even if it is after the fact. This actually means that your brain is working just fine. Yes, it has to cope with this crap surfacing, but it manages to reflect on it and judge it properly. That shows that there is a healthy and sane mind in there.

    The only detox I can speak about is when I stopped smoking. And smoking is really mainly a habit thing. The actual withdrawal from the nicotine only takes about a week. Maybe a little longer if you’ve been smoking for a really long time. But what get’s most people and is the hardest part is to rid yourself of the habits. Your brain knows that you don’t want to smoke, yet you might instinctively search your pockets for your pack of cigarettes after you just left the building and go for a walk. And then you realise, darn, I just wanted to light a cigarette. Slowly over time, you realising that you don’t want to smoke, will overwrite the habit of reaching for a cigarette.

    I imagine (and sorry if the above comparison is completely off) that it will work similar for your brain. Especially now, when off the meds, your brain has time to fall back into old behaviours. But you realise that after the fact. And it’s this realisation that will help you to overwrite the bad habits of your brain.

    Happy holidays and enjoy the time with your family. I know they will enjoy having you around them!

    Liked by 2 people

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