Scorned by Pants

pile of pantsThis is ridiculous. I have allowed this pile of pants to taunt me and delineate my self-worth. Several months ago, I had to pull out a few pairs of jeans from storage. They remain on this chair because they are, solely for me, not an acceptable size. I cannot allow them to occupy the space reserved for the correct size of pants. The pants residing in my drawer are the ones I am sure that if I could just [fill in the blank] I would be able to wear. The pants on the chair are evidence of binge eating during depression, the only form of self-harm left to me.

Being somewhat intelligent, I realize that this type of thinking is not how I should base my value. I have read all the body positive information on which I can lay my eyes. I do not use this same measurement on others, it is strictly personal. Whatever size you are is not an accurate measure of what kind of human you are, it’s only applicable to me.

Because my BMI is 20 lbs higher than “healthy,” I have tried to convince myself that the only reason I want to lose weight (this time, anyway) is because I want to be healthy. Placing blame on outside influences seems like a cop-out. As far as I’m concerned how I was raised, why I was loved, or how the media portrays the “perfect” woman, should not enter into the equation. But when I see how my own self-image has affected my daughters, I can’t help but wonder if how I view myself is somewhat based on the example of my anorexic mother. Yesterday, in my psychiatrist’s office, I said “I’m beginning to think my depression is not a medication issue, but a result of self-loathing.” But then I laughed, like it was a joke, and I took the prescription for an increase in my antidepressant to the pharmacy.

When I wipe the steam off of the mirror after I take my shower, it’s with the hope that what will be revealed will not be the same thing I saw the day before. This kind of thinking is ludicrous. I don’t understand why I can’t change how I feel about myself. I don’t understand why I can’t see the beautiful, kind, loving, caring, smart person that others try to convince me exists. I don’t understand why I can’t get those stupid pants to stop yelling at me.



8 thoughts on “Scorned by Pants

  1. I really, really understand, and was writing a longer response, but got too upset.
    So, it’s tough with the body image thing — there are so any things all wrapped up in it. I’m in body shape, unexplained rapid weight gain and weight retention crisis and I can’t look in the mirror, and have trouble even just changing my clothes. Course I’m in bad mental space right now, and this just doesn’t help. Getting house bound as no clothes big enough or comfortable enough.
    Good luck telling that pile of jeans whose boss and where they are going!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you. I’m so sorry you’re in such an awful place. Can you get bloodwork to see what’s causing the gain and water retention? Psych meds suck when it comes to causing all sorts of physical problems. And then the depression and self-image issues feed off of each other. I hope you find some answers soon.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh my love, I have, as you know, put on A LOT of weight because of my medication and after having it cut have managed to lose some. Is there any way you can reduce or change your meds to ones that have less of an effect on your weight?
    It sounds like some sort of therapy to help you with how you see yourself would be really helpful to you too though. It’s SO hard to learn to love yourself, I know, but it is possible hugs

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m on a “weight neutral” drug. It’s simply from binge eating and lethargy, can’t blame it on my meds. I’m working on eating better and dragging myself to the basement to get on my elliptical. It’s the learning to love myself part that I need to get a handle on, then the binge eating would probably stop/lessen. Thank you.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I gave up on being a certain size a very long time ago. Will I live longer being overweight? Hell no but I have no desire to be here until I’m 70 either. It’s all about compromise as you get older. I can’t keep up with the 30 year old’s anymore (some of them I can still out work all day long) but hey I’m not dead yet either. I can’t stay up all night and work all day, but hey I’m not dead yet. Screw that. I’m not afraid to die and won’t treat any part of my life as if my behavior dictates the length of my sentence on this rock that humans call earth. Besides only the people left behind will miss me as my atoms drift off and become part of something else.

    Just be who you are. Evolution takes hundreds of generations to kick in. I don’t have that kind of time, none of us do.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I have a major issue with body image also. I’m also over 110lbs above a ‘recommended weight’. I have skinny clothes too. Those clothes I just know I’ll get back in to if I just [insert motivated term here]. Alas, I have come with a solution… I think I might sell those clothes on the buy/sell/rummage boards on Facebook in my local city. I’ll get a few extra dollars and they will no longer taunt me. Then, when I do finally lose the weight at my own, comfortable rate, I will have money put away to buy myself new glorious clothing to make myself feel great. See, this all sounds good in my head, but will I do it? Doubtful.

    I’m personally beating myself up because I had lost 12lbs since getting my IUD out and then I stepped on the scale today only to find that I weigh more than what I weighed before I got the stupid thing out. WTF!? I am doing everything right but nothing is actually right.

    We need to both stop being so hard on our selves and love who we are. If we want to change that, that’s OK but we have to accept who we are, loves ourselves, and be kinder to us before being able to accept who we would become if we were to lose the weight. Because if you don’t love yourself at #lbs, whose to say after you lose 10, 15, 30+ lbs, you’ll love yourself then either.

    Words I should follow myself. That’s my thought on the process. I love you regardless of your weight. You’re a great person, inside and out. You’re beautiful. Saying it won’t make it true in your eyes but hearing it is nice too.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Good suggestion about selling the clothes, and excellent point about loving ourselves at any weight. I’ve been my “perfect” weight/size more often than not, and now that you pointed that out I can see that I was only temporarily happy with myself. As long as I stayed that weight I was happy, once it started to creep up I had no mercy with my self-hatred. Perhaps we can find a way together to beat this thing.

      Liked by 1 person

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