Battle-weary

womanStanding in the kitchen, waiting for my water boil, I can feel the insidious black miasma creeping up my body. By the time it starts sliding over my shoulders, my throat tightens in anticipation of the suffocating fog. It won’t be much longer before the encompassing shroud has completely engulfed my body, my soul. My husband wraps his arms around me in an effort to rescue me. He leaves his talisman of a kiss on my forehead before he leaves for work. But it’s not going to work today, the magic leaves with him as he walks out the door.

After decades of fighting this shape-shifting beast, I am exhausted. As I sit sipping my tea, the woods look inviting. Their leaves dancing in the morning breeze are beckoning to me. It is not their beauty that is enticing, it is the memory of the day when my husband’s magic worked. The day I didn’t walk far enough into the woods, the day he found me moments before it would have been too late. This morning there is time to descend deeper into the the abyss, to simply give up, to end the battle.

But then my cat walks into the room making his odd chirping noises, rubbing his furry body against my legs. Jumping onto my lap, his warmth and his purring begin to tear away at the fabric of despair. As my vision becomes blurry from my tears, my mind wanders to that tiny place in my brain that still holds a sliver of light. I remember a quote about hope from Lady Gaga I recently read: “I said to myself ‘Whatever is left in there, even just one light molecule, you will find it and make it multiply.'”

Perhaps I can try one more time, hold on one more minute, one more hour, one more day. So I turn away from the window and begin again.

20 thoughts on “Battle-weary

  1. Your writing is evocatively powerful. I was sitting right there with you – thank God the at came in. And your husband’s talisman sounds incredibly good. Wishing you all the very best – one day, one hour, one minute at a time 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Being a nerd, the first thing that sprung to mind when you mention a little light shining in darkness was the gift that Galadriel gave Frodo in The Lord of the Rings – Light of Eärendil – that light got Frodo and Sam out of a bit of bother, just like your tiny light offers you hope… obviously the cat helps too.
    Your writing just seems to keep getting better. Thinking of you 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I’m bad at this…
    I love you. You mean a lot to me. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Although I know you’re strong and you will overcome, I know how hard it is to find that strength always. Thank you for holding on just a little longer. I hope that little longer goes much longer but let’s take this step by step. I’m here if you need me.
    Wish I could just squish you in a big hug and make it alright.

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  4. Beautiful writing! Such beautiful imagery and feelings. It sounds like severe depression you are fighting. It takes all your energy and leaves you like a rag doll. Are you on any medication? My magical charm is Lithium Carbonate ER! Wouldn’t be here without it. Hugs for you.

    Like

    • Thank you. Yes, I’ve been fighting treatment-resistant depression for a while now. I’m currently titrating off yet another ineffective medication. I’m one of “those” people who have the rare side-effects, meds don’t work, or they have the opposite effect from what should be happening. For example, lithium makes manic. I really don’t know what’s next. I’ll see my psych again in about a month.

      Liked by 1 person

      • So very sorry to hear that! Ketamine is being used for treatment resistant depression, maybe ask about that. And ECT is for treatment resistant depression as well. One of my blogger friends had it and said it saved her life. Her blog is: https://proudlybipolar.wordpress.com/
        If you’d like to take a look. I really, really hope you feel better soon, I know full well how awful it can be. Also please remember I am here for you. Hugs.

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      • Isn’t it ironic that when we don’t feel well, our writing gets so much more poetic and beautiful! I wouldn’t mind id my writing was never poetic as long as I didn’t have depression! Hugs.

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  5. Powerful writing about powerful emotions. Light molecules and purring cats. Another minute. Another hour. Hard to remember or hear anything but that siren call; looking for ear plugs in encouraging words, friends, cats helps with those minutes and hours.
    I get battle weary too — my sword is dented, my shield hacked up, my arms and shoulders hurt. I look out the window and watch the birds.
    Hugs.

    Liked by 2 people

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