Nudges

The tears make my pillow soggy, “don’t wake up, can’t do this anymore, tired of trying, imposter, not who they think I am.” It’s a conundrum – I don’t want to wake up in the morning, yet I do…and I keep trying day after day. Why?

Bob loves meYou out there, you are the ones who’s voices I hear in the morning. Your voices are louder than the ones I hear at night.

Bob runs to me when I come back from a walk, sits on my feet, “Where have you been? I missed you.”

Bob chirps through the door in the morning, “Wake up, we’re hungry.”

My granddaughter runs in the door yelling “Bubbe! Bubbe! Bubbe!”

Greg holds me, “I’ve got you.”

My daughter sends me a silly, loving sticker on Messenger.

It’s Thursday, laundry day.

The sweetness of the cantaloupe makes my mouth happy.

And somewhere deep inside me is something I don’t understand that keeps nudging me along.

 

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15 thoughts on “Nudges

  1. Made me cry — those happy tears that break through. When I’m not in a good space, my emotions are closer to the surface. This is beautiful. You have good nudges, but I know all to well how easy it is to not hear and see them. It’s other voices, as you say, that can be, or try to be, louder.
    I hope your nudges grow in strength. You’re a strong; sometimes that’s harder to find than other times.

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    • Thank you. Like I mentioned in an earlier response to a comment, this started out as a pretty bleak post. I often feel like an imposter when people tell me I’m strong. We just don’t feel it sometimes, right? But I finally realized, it’s in there, that little bit of strength and it’s not going anywhere – stubborn as I am.

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    • Thank you for saying that. It’s funny, my first draft was about how I’m fooling everybody. I’m an imposter and not really as strong as people think I am. But then I realized that I must be, or I wouldn’t be here.

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  2. “Deep inside me is something I don’t understand that keeps nudging me along” is, I suspect what people used to call “God”. I don’t feel comfortable with that word myself, but when Quakers say that they try to speak “to that of God in everyone” I kind of get it.

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    • Yes, I understand that’s what quite a few people believe. I like to think it’s a little flicker of strength that’s in there, and I just don’t acknowledge it. I’ve been an atheist for most of my life, but a few years ago I began to see that perhaps there might be something out there.

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