Bludgeoned by awareness

hands in front of face
Trying to sustain my recent ebbing of bipolar depression during suicide awareness month, is much more difficult than I anticipated. Perhaps part of the problem is that I didn’t anticipate the magnitude of the impact from the onslaught of social media posts on suicide. Please don’t misunderstand that last statement. I understand the importance of this issue, and am supportive of the people who are making a difference in this tragically elevating problem. One might ask, “Sheri, why don’t you just stop using social media?” It’s not that easy for me, since that is where the majority of my support network resides. “Sheri, you need to get out more.” Well, yes, that would be lovely, wouldn’t it? But that’s a whole other issue.

My heart aches for people who are devastated by suicide, whether those who have survived, or those left behind. I’ve done my part during the first week of the month, disseminating important information and memes of encouragement. But it didn’t occur to me to don my protective gear before this became too overwhelming. It’s all too raw, too recent, too close to home. I’m just not that brave or strong, and it’s worming into my brain as a suggestion rather than a deterrent.

Last night I was composing a wonderful post about how, after the longest bout of the worst depression in my memory, I am finally beginning to want to live. Hopefully, I will write that post soon. Hopefully, I will participate by reading and commenting in the blogging world once again. Hopefully, I will recharge my own protective force field and continue clawing my way out of the depths of despair. For now I shall retreat back into my protective cocoon of silly cat videos.

I just saw that the word “bludgeon” is today’s (11/02/2016) The Daily Post prompt. I hope it’s ok to link a previously written post.


14 thoughts on “Bludgeoned by awareness

  1. Silly cat videos and self-care time is so important, there is absolutely nothing wrong with taking time out, time away from social media, or from certain places, or certain people, to protect yourself. Do what you need to do to stay safe, and remember you are loved ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  2. But you were going to write that post, and you are going to write that post. People also need to know you can go for X amount of time not wanting to be dead.
    I usually blog on suicide in September, but I don’t think I feel strong enough right now to do so. My meds are f’d, I’m crying and manic, and right on the edge. So I write fiction, keen, wail, and grieve, and keep looking at scars — including recent what would it feel like, and keep meds for disposal out of site. Do I hate living, or do I hate my life? Do I physically want to be dead, or metaphorically want this always in pain me to be dead? Suicide month questions, .A post too, confessions, I suppose.
    Hang in there Sheri. An awful lot of people would miss you.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I wonder how many other people have suddenly realized they haven’t taken the time to protect themselves against “backsplash” (for lack of a better word) when they are try to bring something positive to the painful spots of their lives. It is, perhaps, a learned defense? I hope you’re coping as best you can, Sheri. LOTS of self-love and kitty love. NO ONE understands like an animal child… ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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